i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
