apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
