You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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