Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
