oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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