so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
