Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
