chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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