Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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