I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm passing your future prison.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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