I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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