Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
