you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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