and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
