I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
