I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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