I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
