I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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