he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
