Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
