Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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