New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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