so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
