You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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