420 ftw
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
