how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
