My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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