Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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