Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
