I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
