Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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