Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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