after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
