I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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