walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
