I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
