I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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