Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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