He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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