watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
