my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
