I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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