Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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