im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
why is half of my head shaved?
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