seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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