Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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