Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
