they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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