Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
