the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
