I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
