There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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