you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
